July Update – Living the Dream er… Nightmare

I’m back!

And I totally did not keep writing blogs. Which is bad for three reasons. One, I need the therapy. Screaming into the void of cyberspace helps. Two, engagement, it keeps me talking to the void and sometimes the void talks back. Three, this makes me lax on my self-discipline and writing. Writing is a muscle, if it doesn’t get worked it atrophies. Blog writing is different from fiction writing, so this is a necessary practice.

Let’s get the big stuff out of the way…

The Blacksword Saga has gone through some very recent and major changes. I’ve written about ten novellas, easily over 120k words. There have been some problems and the final few stories just aren’t working quite as well.

Then looking back through my backlog of finished short fiction set in the same world I came to the realization. I have enough half-decent content to publish three small anthologies. I also now have two dedicated critique partners to annoy about my incessant ramblings and they like the idea of what I am about to do.

The Blacksword Saga will likely be renamed The Veiled Sagas and will likely be an ongoing collection of Anthologies. There will be novellas about my wandering woman-with-no-name character and her journey, but there will be more short stories and novellas about other corners of the Wrong Side of the Veil.

I really love this change. I was getting a bit burnt out with focusing on one character and some stories were weakened because of her place in the story. This allows lets me have multiple recurring characters with a mix of random vignettes and diversions. My imagination is wild for this.

This really pushes the whole pulp-magazine/80s paperback aesthetic I really gravitate to. A weird mix of Heavy Metal, Anime, 70s B-Movies and Epic Fantasy.

With this change, I may be able to begin the process of editing and self-publishing three seperate pieces of work. This is going to be a painful, expensive and morale destroying process…

But I’m ready.

More coming soon.

#

My trip to Montreal, which was two months ago… -sigh- was absolutely incredible. Exactly the adventure I needed to help understand myself more, gain some much needed space and inspiration and learn a bit more about… well just existing.

I could go on forever, and if you’ve talked to me you probably have. So I’ll leave it there.

So let’s actually get to the point of… well the title isn’t a happy one. I am not in the same dark place I was in February. The trip helped, this project helps, making new friends, finding new connections and gaining new skills has helped immensely.

Before the trip, I was desperate to leave everything behind to try and make a new life for myself. On my third day away I realized how fucking stupid that was. Not just the mechanics and practicality of it, but why? I realized I would be giving up the incredible opportunity of writing for The Manitoban.

I am still struggling, just not wallowing in it. I am struggling to find part-time employment to supplement my work at The Manitoban. I know there are so many people struggling to meet ends meet and me just writing away at home, doing the odd commission (I have actually sold three stories in the last month). One I will actually get credit for, more on that later.

This goes back into what usually sends me into spiraling depression, which I can now see clearly because I’m not actually at my lowest point. I can just see it from here. I know I’m lucky, I’m so fucking fortunate I’ve been able to spend the last seven months largely unemployed and living at home.

This is my nightmare. This is what kids used to bully me with. This is what my deepest fears were.

And I’m okay. I’m not drowning or dying or on the verge of a break down at all times (Though I will have bad days on occasion where I do)

But I’m okay, I’m surviving. I have a support structure and people who actually value me. More importantly, I’m really fucking trying on the whole self-validation stuff…

I’m okay.

#

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s